Friday, February 21, 2014
i have changed..i dunno if its in a good way or bad...i decided i was not gonna cry for u anymore and i hadn't cried since but this afternoon i failed that promise, not because i cried over u but because i can no longer cry for u..i feel sick... i lost my innocence... i have changed. i'm no longer the doe eyed girl, ever earnest, ever hopeful... i dnt know what love is anymore and if its ever gonna happen to me..i will be forever aimlessly wandering in oblivion trying to stay occupied so i dont need to feel the vastness of my proverbial void...
Posted by Sputnik at 11:21 PM
Monday, January 27, 2014
I was perfectly fine before you came. I go about my day just like an ordinary human being. I have a few blues in between but I was well. I'm in a perpetual state of calm just waiting for the next distraction. And then you did came. You were difficult, you were not perfect but I was surprisingly swooped. I didn't like you at first but you just grew on me and I got used to being occupied with your presence...
Posted by Sputnik at 1:30 AM
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
If there's one thing that surprises me it's a man's capacity to love unconditionally, blindly and in somewhat martyrlike masochistic out of this world proportions kind of love... It's 12:30am, the first hour of Christmas morning and I wait for a single text to make the christmas morning of christmas mornings. Yes a single reply to my how was your christmas party with your boss shall make my ultimate christmas morning. I sit here wondering what made me a dog of a girlfriend. Actually not a girlfriend at all judging from how this man left me to celebrate christmas with my friends. I sat awkwardly on the Christmas table struggling to explain how I ended up dating a schmuck and how I can't quite explain even with my rebuttle skills how my complicated relationship turn out to be more complicated on the account that he could not even spend time with me on christmas eve. I had to recount how my car brokedown and he was not there; how I moved houses and he was not there either and he was never there on any of my crucial life events...The sad truth is I can complain all night but nothing could change the fact that I'm still an eager girlfriend demanding his time and awaiting his appearance no matter how scarce... The sad truth is that yes I'm in love with this guy and it's sick and maddening that he does not feel the same way for me... And so this is the fate of a scorned woman on the first hour of christmas day....
Posted by Sputnik at 4:35 AM
Wednesday, November 06, 2013
Sometimes you need to go back where you started in order to get right back on track. Not that I was misguided but I thought I sort of slid away from the path. It's a perfect moment to come home to my parents after a big step towards maturity. I still feel like a baby but I'm slowly learning to walk my own and trying to keep my bearings. Here all my dramas and my stubborness are dulled down. Here all my unrealistic dreamy expectations are replaced with concrete attainable plans. My mom and dad have that effect on me and it did help a lot to straighten me out... I have been a compulsive, callous, boy crazy child who forgot what she has to do in order to achieve a life, a good life... Part of me is still dreamy but I've realized I have to be smart if I want a better me, better relationships, better career... I don't know but it somehow feels like I'm back to the start when weeks ago I thought I was living 'the life'. I'm hoping I found the life and still pray he will turn into the person I want him to be but if he couldn't I guess I wouldn't have a choice but to move on. No one likes him not my parents nor my friends... At the end of the day it's all up to me so we'll see... It's nice to have this break... I could think and he too would realize what we are doing and what he wants out of this... Sigh... The world is a beautiful place to learn.. This is the platform of human experience. I will always be here for him and my feelings won't change but one of us would have to move on at some point. I guess I accept it for whatever the future brings, for whatever lessons we both have to learn... He was right, we still have a long way to go... I think we're both young, callous and misguided. We both need to carve our own paths to meet in the center. We are both free to choose in the end...
Posted by Sputnik at 7:20 AM
Friday, October 11, 2013
I think it's time. It's a long time coming. I should let go and free myself from myself. I genuinely thought I entered this unchartered territory cause I'm sick of hanging out inside my head and it's time I get social and let someone in. I've realized I'm still alone inside my head and that other human being is a log, a thing who never even got to the door inside my demented self. I am still alone, more alone than ever. But I now have a newfound appreciation for my transgressions. I'm okay being alone, even better. I kind of somehow missed the old me who bask in the glory of being single and idle and productive of some sorts in spite of doing nothing. I miss that old me but I try to pick up the pieces to be whole again. And I think I'm whole again.
Posted by Sputnik at 5:30 PM
Tuesday, October 08, 2013
It's pretty hard to keep quiet and look at this in a place of solace and certainty. It's hard to have an absolute truth to a seemingly complex layers of black and white, right or wrong. It's not easy doing things right the first time. I am not expert. I'm a novice in this hard life we all live in. I wish there was a life were we don't have to squabble with feelings and relationships. I wish everyone had no feelings, no prejudice and no past. I hate myself these days. I hate everything... There's no beauty in falling in love and doubting yourself and everyone around you. I hope and pray that someday I find genuine relationships and yes true love...I'm doomed to singlehood...
Posted by Sputnik at 12:15 AM
Saturday, September 21, 2013
So here I am obsessing about a bloke who does not give me even an ounce of shit while I can't even afford my internet connection. Talk about being broke at 32. Damn! Why worry about having a genuine relationship when you can't even afford even dating. Yes, the bloke pays but don't we women buy things to doll ourselves up till we get an image we feel is desirable to the guys we are dating? Fudge! I hate me. For months I took care of my stubborn roots that won't stop needing hair color. For months I bought beauty products to cover as much skin as I can so that my pores won't show and to mask whatever facial features I have, again to look desirable with the guy I am dating... Boy aren't we all suckers. So I spent 2 days indoors and was confronted with the daunting task of putting my finances in order and realized I am broke. I'm paying my house bill this month and all the stuff I have spent being my social me, going out with friends and yes the stupid stuff I bought to doll up all added up on my expenses. I can't live this way. So starting today, I shall make a conscious decision not to spend money on dolling myself up, on becoming social, and start living a hermit life. I should be single forever then!
Posted by Sputnik at 8:42 PM