L O V E

It's like there's a pull in here somewhere that I can't quite fathom. I know I am prepared to move on and to just fuck it all off and forget it but I can't. It's like I'm stuck, in catatonia, grasping for air but holding on. I can't leave him. I know I'm stronger than this but I also know that he needs me and no one can be here for him but me. I don't know if it's extreme altruism or martyrdom or even love. Though I know our relationship can never progress to what we all expect it to be, I'm in tight gridlock. I'm inlove with the coldest person in the universe but I'm warm, my heart swells for him and yes I can't and won't let go. I want to at least help him out in this phase of his life. I have been there, I know what its like so the least I can do is be here for him to support him... I will for sure move on soon if I see he can be left alone. If my heart lets go I shall move on ahead...

Moving On

It's like i've emerged a changed woman. As if my insides have all been ripped open, taken apart and then put back inside with new parts. It's like being reborn as a bad ass woman who just won't take any amount of crap anymore. While I admit to being a crazy overly attached 'girl' friend for me it's all justified and yes I'm stubborn like that. I know no man is ever built to withstand my craziness but I'm hopeful as hell there's a cyborg (half man half machine out there). Ofcourse I am being overly dramatic. Ofcourse I am not going crazy yet. It's easy to succumb to emotions and lock myself in my room and cry my eyes off but I've realized I have my flaws and he does too. We are both flawed and we made a mutual decision not to forego the agony anymore as we both don't see any hope. I must admit I like this guy a lot and thought I could change things and let this thing progress but I also knew I can do better and he might be happier without me. I know it sounds like I'm sour graping but if I think about it in practical terms, it makes so much sense that a peach must be a peach and a plum a plum. We live in different worlds, dance in different strokes, even speak different languages. Sometimes I see myself out of the situation and just flashback and see me staring at him, lovingly memorizing the contours of his face, the color of his eye and it pains me to realize how enthralled I was with this otherworldly human being. He was the most beautiful thing and this thing broke my heart. I still feel for him. It won't just go away. But I have accepted the sad truth that we are not meant to be. I am moving on and I shall start my search yet again. I don't care if I had to look for him in another galaxy. I will find him and he will be loved like my past obsessions. I am older and wiser and tougher and I shall love again....

Kalas

Just like my past hook ups it has to end at some point. There will be a trigger event. Words would start spewing in my mouth. I would get very angry and then I end it. The only difference is him and me had been through this before for the nth time and I always come crawling back, swallowing all the pride I have left in me. This time it would be forever. He had said his last piece, at least I made him say his last piece after much bullying. I on the other hand made my last big sigh, rolled my eyes and stood up. I went out of the door, out of his life forever. I made a promise not to bug him and I made a promise to myself that I won't ever let this man hurt me again. I'd be wiser next time, like I always say and I would gladly move on with grace. I still care about him of course but LIFE must go on.

Tantrums

The truth is I'm just a kid. All the bravado, all the stuff I thought I was or am is nothing but a mere facade to cover up the sad truth that I have the emotional age of a 7 yeard old drama queen. I'm in love and I wanna shout it at the top of my lungs. I can't help myself. I've built up enough illussion to make myself believe that I'm a thriving adult in this freaky hell hole of a country. I act all prim and proper with enough social etiquette and decorum. I thought I was making progress from the old anti-social me until I fell in love and my inner child lost control. My temper outbursts are back, I cuss a lot driving through Sheilk Zayed and I irrationally want to be around this one person. I'm super clingy and needy that the letter 'y' would cringe. I want to be honest with myself and admit it but I'm too scared he'd freak out. I feel like a loser walking through the corridors of the cool kids corner. I'm a child and I have temper tantrums. I just want to tell you I love you and I terribly miss you and your work sucks...

Found

I don't know cause it almost feels like not long ago when I felt this inside me. I romantisized with the idea and sort of wore it like hell I'm in love and I'm in pain. I thought that it's the most fashionable thing to wear not knowing that there's a simplier way to do things. I tamed down. I sat down, enjoyed life for all it's worth and relaxed. I don't know. It's as if I've grown up without even trying. Sure I still feel the panic once in a while but I'm calmer these days and sometimes I think it's scary, but I thought it's okay. I'll enjoy this and see where it takes me. He's not what I imagine my man to be but it's like he's perfect for me. How he knots his fingers to mine, or how he perfectly spoons and hugs me in bed. It's how he looks at me and how he makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. It's scary I know but I think I found him...

Random

It's like I'm left with no choice but to ride the forlorn waves and see where this leads me. I hate surprises. I'm more comfortable seeing what's ahead of me than grappling in the dark, praying I don't fall in the bottomless pit of sanity. I love me. I have been trying to cushion the fall since my first brush with that thing they call 'L'. I have been protective of that 'little me' who lashes out, throws tantrums and blames everyone except herself when things go wrong. I have been callous and often hid my feelings in view to avoid getting hurt. I have never admitted anything and so felt hero like blown out of proportion 'powers' that never really amount to anything but more grief. I was not happy, but I was not hurt. That was little me's mantra. There was a time I mustered enough courage to tell someone my feelings, and then it rained and everything went down the drain. Seeing this other person now makes me feel like I'm treading through dangerous territory. I feel like I'm holding my breath cause it might be my last but alas I feel like sticking with him would give me so much joy. It's cheesy I know but I made a conscious choice to allow myself 'the fall'. It's okay to get hurt. it's okay to not know what tomorrow brings, to live by the moment and to love. As I write those lines, I can't help but cringe at the very thought of me finally succumbing to the unchartered depths of that thing they call love. The fact that I can say that word only means I'm really in that effing zone. Damn! Someone please shoot me now. I think I love you no matter how awkward you seem like sometimes. You make me crazy in a good way.

Fuck It

Cause I pace back and forth trying to revisit my steps, trying to painstakingly figure out when the 'us' in my head started; when the 'us' turned into 'the-us'. I pace back and forth trying to find flaws, trying to 'resolve' our differences, trying to justify why you and me will never work out. I pace back and forth trying to reason away with that little tug I have in my bones, that little voice that I try to hide from view; that little me who felt 'it'. While I try to re-think what all these means somehow the little me is slowly winning, that little me who do not care what logic says and how far the word right is from wrong. The little me says, fuck it, I love him and nothing else matters...