Saturday, April 19, 2014

soaring flying winning

i guess we learn our lessons the hard way... but im okay...trying...

Saturday, March 29, 2014

My Cage

There's a kind of love that you can never explain, the kind you can never use logic and reason for. The kind that stings but gives so much joy. The kind that makes you feel trapped and yet free you can almost fly towards the heavens. It's a kind that can kill but it pumps you up with so much energy, so much passion and desire. It's a kind that would makes you stir and gets you off your wits and yet it keeps you still ever focused and determined to achieve your goals and aspirations. It's a kind you would go mad for and the kind that makes you hope for tomorrow... What a joy to meet a person that intoduced me to my death and rebirth at the same time while inconspicously affecting me to my inner core. You who never opened to me ever, you who never shown me compassion and yet I yearn for you like a long lost lover... I'm doomed and yet I'm overjoyed...

Friday, February 21, 2014

void

i have changed..i dunno if its in a good way or bad...i decided i was not gonna cry for u anymore and i hadn't cried since but this afternoon i failed that promise, not because i cried over u but because i can no longer cry for u..i feel sick... i lost my innocence... i have changed. i'm no longer the doe eyed girl, ever earnest, ever hopeful... i dnt know what love is anymore and if its ever gonna happen to me..i will be forever aimlessly wandering in oblivion trying to stay occupied so i dont need to feel the vastness of my proverbial void...

Monday, January 27, 2014

no title

I was perfectly fine before you came. I go about my day just like an ordinary human being. I have a few blues in between but I was well. I'm in a perpetual state of calm just waiting for the next distraction. And then you did came. You were difficult, you were not perfect but I was surprisingly swooped. I didn't like you at first but you just grew on me and I got used to being occupied with your presence...

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

First Hour

If there's one thing that surprises me it's a man's capacity to love unconditionally, blindly and in somewhat martyrlike masochistic out of this world proportions kind of love... It's 12:30am, the first hour of Christmas morning and I wait for a single text to make the christmas morning of christmas mornings. Yes a single reply to my how was your christmas party with your boss shall make my ultimate christmas morning. I sit here wondering what made me a dog of a girlfriend. Actually not a girlfriend at all judging from how this man left me to celebrate christmas with my friends. I sat awkwardly on the Christmas table struggling to explain how I ended up dating a schmuck and how I can't quite explain even with my rebuttle skills how my complicated relationship turn out to be more complicated on the account that he could not even spend time with me on christmas eve. I had to recount how my car brokedown and he was not there; how I moved houses and he was not there either and he was never there on any of my crucial life events...The sad truth is I can complain all night but nothing could change the fact that I'm still an eager girlfriend demanding his time and awaiting his appearance no matter how scarce... The sad truth is that yes I'm in love with this guy and it's sick and maddening that he does not feel the same way for me... And so this is the fate of a scorned woman on the first hour of christmas day....

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

Maturity

Sometimes you need to go back where you started in order to get right back on track. Not that I was misguided but I thought I sort of slid away from the path. It's a perfect moment to come home to my parents after a big step towards maturity. I still feel like a baby but I'm slowly learning to walk my own and trying to keep my bearings. Here all my dramas and my stubborness are dulled down. Here all my unrealistic dreamy expectations are replaced with concrete attainable plans. My mom and dad have that effect on me and it did help a lot to straighten me out... I have been a compulsive, callous, boy crazy child who forgot what she has to do in order to achieve a life, a good life... Part of me is still dreamy but I've realized I have to be smart if I want a better me, better relationships, better career... I don't know but it somehow feels like I'm back to the start when weeks ago I thought I was living 'the life'. I'm hoping I found the life and still pray he will turn into the person I want him to be but if  he couldn't I guess I wouldn't have a choice but to move on. No one likes him not my parents nor my friends... At the end of the day it's all up to me so we'll see... It's nice to have this break... I could think and he too would realize what we are doing and what he wants out of this... Sigh... The world is a beautiful place to learn.. This is the platform of human experience. I will always be here for him and my feelings won't change but one of us would have to move on at some point. I guess I accept it for whatever the future brings, for whatever lessons we both have to learn... He was right, we still have a long way to go... I think we're both young, callous and misguided. We both need to carve our own paths to meet in the center. We are both free to choose in the end...


Friday, October 11, 2013

Whole Again

I think it's time. It's a long time coming. I should let go and free myself from myself. I genuinely thought I entered this unchartered territory cause I'm sick of hanging out inside my head and it's time I get social and let someone in. I've realized I'm still alone inside my head and that other human being is a log, a thing who never even got to the door inside my demented self. I am still alone, more alone than ever. But I now have a newfound appreciation for my transgressions. I'm okay being alone, even better. I kind of somehow missed the old me who bask in the glory of being single and idle and productive of some sorts in spite of doing nothing. I miss that old me but I try to pick up the pieces to be whole again. And I think I'm whole again.